Como aterrorizar bifes
Vocês hoje estão com sorte.
Lembrei-me de partilhar convosco uma coisa que gramo à brava e que, como nunca se sabe o dia de amanhã, pode vir a dar-vos jeito no futuro.
Então é assim: a melhor forma de aterrorizar bifes acerca da língua portuguesa (e românicas em geral, mas não vão por aí...) é salientar que na nossa língua tudo, tudo, tem um género (feminino ou masculino) que TEM de ser memorizado e respeitado.
Depois ilustra-se, descrevendo de enfiada o género dos objectos em redor e, sobretudo, das diferentes partes e componentes desses objectos.
Por exemplo: "The ceiling above us and the floor beneath are masculine, but the walls around are feminine unless they separate properties, in which case they're masculine, but only if they're solid: otherwise, they're feminine (vedação). This table is feminine but it's feet are masculine, the spoon and the knife are feminine but the fork is masculine, so is the dish. Meat is feminine, the nerves are masculine but the fat is feminine. Fish is masculine but fish bones are feminine. Some fish are masculine (pargo), including the females, others are feminine (sardinha), including the males. It depends. It's really easy." Os gajos ficam brancos.
Outro, destinado a tornar-se um clássico: "The tocacco inside this cigarette is masculine although the leaf it came from was feminine. The paper involving it is masculine. The tip is feminine, but the filter inside it is masculine, though its fibre is feminine. The ash is feminine but the ashtray is masculine. Either lit or unlit, the cigarette itself is masculine until you put it out: then it becomes feminine."
Outro: "You know how some english speakers refer to their cars as 'she'? That is totally foreign to a Portuguese speaker. Cars are masculine and there´s no two ways about it. And by the way, referring to any object whatsoever as if it was a male (ele) or a female (ela), is totally out of the question. Cars are masculine but they're never male or female, because that would be crazy. Some cars, of course, although they're masculine (because they are cars), are referred to as feminine (carrinha) but that doesn't detract from their masculinity. Of course, car wheels are feminine, tires are masculine, windows are feminine, glass is masculine, gas is feminine, oil is masculine, roads are feminine, tar is masculine, etc. But cars are masculine, even when they're referred to as feminine. So make sure you get that right."